dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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