I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
