I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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