the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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