we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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