Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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