My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
it hurts more in the daytime
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
