soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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