I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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