That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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