he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
