Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
