she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
