hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
