census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Drunk is not a location!
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
