I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
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