Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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