This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
