lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
