I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
This is the high leading the old right now
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
