if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
