I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
