The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
