There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
