So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
