I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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