and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
