M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
