I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize