awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
