this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
