im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
