he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
