there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
