I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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