Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
