hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
