I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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