Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
