I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
