the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
it glows. i had to have it.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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