I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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