i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
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