I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
