you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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