you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
