I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I think I sprained my soul last night
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
