He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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