Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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