He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
