nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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