Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize