How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
