I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize