Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
