eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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